I'm finding it very hard to like my husband anymore. We fight all the time. He hates my older 2 kids. Everyday he tells them that he can't stand them...wants them to move out. Everyday, he calls them dumbasses. I just can't stand it anymore. They don't start with my hubby...I wish he wouldn't start with them. It really makes me think he's a dumbass.

I know my kids aren't perfect and they are quite lazy but they don't need to be treated this way. They aren't even allowed out in the livingroom or he'll bitch. Then it starts another fight. They can't come out to eat dinner without him making some crack about how they must smell the food so that's why they are out. I feel like I can't enjoy my children because of him. Plus I'm so sick of the figting over food. It's like walking on eggshells here. I really can't stand it anymore.

With by being in so much pain lately, I haven't written about my trip to South Carolina.

I had a really good time. The drive there was very, very long. It took about 13 hours with all the bathroom stops we made. We even drove through 2 mountains. It was so nice to get away without the hubby and kids. I loved eating out and exploring new areas. They have orange/red dirt down there, I thought was quite strange. My sister's wedding was nice. It was at a church and the reception was there too. I met her new hubby for the first time. He seemed really nice. He's 7 years younger than my sister but looks 14 years younger. LOL

Unfortunately, during my trip, hubby called a few times quite angry with me. Hanging up on me....calling me names....just being a pain in the ass. He couldn't handle the kids so had to make my trip horrible. That really sucked.

Well gotta go cuz the pain is coming back in my arm.

My husband is a jackass! Every week he goes out with at least $20-$80, sometimes more than once a week. Every stinking week and I never get to go out. Well now I'm going to South Carolina for 5 days and he's having a fit because tonight would be the only night he can go out and I only have $17 and he's throwing a fit. By the way I'll only have $50 - $70 for the whole 5 days that I'm gone. All he ever cares about is money and going out. I'm not even in his top 5 anymore. Our 10th anniversary is next week so I've been thinking about that...it's a long time to just give up. So all day I was trying to be nice to him but as soon as he realized that tonight was his last opportunity, he was a prick the rest of the day. He just left grumbling that it's bull shit that he only gets $17 and that I'm leaving. Well he goes out all the time and it's not fair that I'm always stuck home. I want a life too.

I'm just so sad because this marriage is not going to last. All that time...I think about our wedding day...how happy we were...and now we can't even have a conversation. It's just so sad.

Plus we fight because he doesn't want my older 2 kids to stay here while I'm gone but they don't want to go to their bio dad's plus I don't think he would take them for that long anyways. They've never spent more than one night with him and not more than probably 20 nights total their whole lives.

Maybe I should go see my pastor. I really need some advice.

Oh, I almost forgot. I went to the dentist again today. I thought he was just going to fill where he did the root canal, but nope. He redid the root canal. Plus he cut my cheek. I was not impressed at all. So now I'm in pain and I'm disappointed because I thought I was done with this problem. Ugh!

Well, I haven't posted in awhile. I guess I get tired of my own life.

I have had a pinced nerve in my shoulder/neck for the last 2 weeks. It's been horrible. I've barely been able to move my right arm. It was really killing my elbow. It hurt so bad. I wish I would have had the money to go to a chiropractor. It's getting better and I only wake up once with the pain instead of every 10-15 minutes.

I'm going on a trip to South Carolina to go to my sister's second wedding. I'm so excited because I've never traveled that far away before. I'm not taking hubby or kids. So this will be a nice breather.

Hubby and I keep fighting. There doesn't seem to be any topic we can discuss anymore that doesn't end up in a fight.

My youngest turned 8 on the 10th and he had a legos birthday party. It was a great party. He really enjoyed. Thank goodness for my hubby's aunt. She brought almost all of the food.

My mom called me in the middle of the night and said my dad was in the hospital because he choked on a piece of meat. He could breathe but couldn't swallow his own spit or water. He had to be transferred to another hospital and they finally took it out. He can only drink his meals for the next couple of days. Thank God, he is ok now.

Well I think that is all for now.

The other day, I was sitting on my swing in the backyard. I was upset, crying, talking to God...asking for a sign....asking why I can't hear him...etc. Well I was looking up at the clouds when all of a sudden I spotted a man with a beard. I remember thinking that it could be Jesus. Then while staring at it, it transformed into a lion. It stayed as a lion for quite awhile. I felt that it was my sign. It did make me feel better. I never told anyone about this.

I really feel alone much of the time now.

I work 2 jobs. They are both part-time but they add up to one full time job. But I'm much more tired this way. Plus I sometimes work 7 days a week. I work every Sunday and every other Saturday. I was working every Saturday but it was really starting to get to me. Plus when I do work a Saturday, it is both jobs. Anyways, hubby is always making comments about so what...it's only 4 hour shifts. So what...it's only part-time. This really hurts me because I'm working all the time. 2-3 times a week I'm working 9-10 hours between both jobs. Why does he have to keep putting me down? Working these 2 jobs is so much harder than working just one. It's so much stress and I have to give up so much time with my kids at night and the weekends and he can't give me any credit for it.

So far this year, he has had a fulltime job for 3 weeks. It's just about the middle of July and he's only worked full time for 3 weeks!!!! (He quit that job because they wanted him to work parttime on Saturdays) Now, he bumms around with his buddy and is gone all day but then says his buddy only pays him for 3-4 hours of the day. Last week he brought home $75. And he bitches about me. He's not even going to work at all this week because he's scared of heights.

I just want a little appreciation. Why does he have to put me down all the time and make me feel like I'm not doing enough when I'm willing to work every day of the week? My husband is an ass!!!!!

I'm so flipping mad right now. I've been with hubby for over 12 years now. I know all of his tricks. He's been going out for years...2-3 times a week. I don't mind so much that he goes out but does it have to be that many times a week? Plus he spends $50-$60 a each time. That's at least $150 a week. I make less than that at one of my jobs and he doesn't make that much at his. I don't ever get to go out or buy things. I have a lot of built up resentment towards him. I think a big part of me really hates him for this. Plus we never go out together without the kids ever. Last time was over a year and a half ago. Maybe I wouldn't be so pissed if one of those nights, he gave up being alone and spent it with me instead. $50 would pay for a movie or dinner.

We had another fight last night over money. He got a card from his grandmother with $30 and he wanted another $40 from me to go out. Who needs that much money to go out alone one night? I could buy some clothes with that money. Plus our little guy really needs some sneakers. Well I told him that I wasn't giving him any money and that he had to wait til he got paid the next day. He had a hissy fit. Wouldn't let it go. Started slamming doors. Started calling me names. I'm just so sick of it. I gave him $25. I know, stupid but it got him to leave. So now today, he got paid and told me that he won't give me back the $25 because it was gas money. Well, then why is the tank on E? I didn't drive the car to Buffalo and back so why shouldn't I get the $25 back?

It's been like this for years. We would have a certain amount of money for the week for groceries, gas, cigs. I would give him the amount needed for cigs and gas and he would come home with no cigs, gas or money. So then we would have to dip into the bill money to buy gas and some cigs. I'm just so fed up.

He thinks I finally want to leave because my older 2 are grown up now (18 & 15). That has nothing to do with it. Thinks I used him all these years for his money. Ha! I was single mother for years and was much happier too.

I wish this place wasn't in just my name or I would move out. Hubby won't budge. I really wish I knew what to do.

I'm having a very crappy day already. First of all....I'm having some very serious pain in my shoulder blade. It's like a pinched nerve but feels like an exposed nerve. I hurts so bad. I can barely move. It's making my armpit and elbow feel like they are on fire. It hurts to type this. I was up all night with shooting pain.

Then I went to check on my bank account. I had my mortgage coming out and maybe a check. I put in enough money to cover the mortgage yesterday and thought maybe the check wouldn't go through yet but it did. So now I have 2 bounce fees because the mortgage sends a seperate $10 fee and the mortgage came out, then the check, then the fee so if it would have happened the other way, it would have only been 1 fee which I could deal with. But with the pain I'm in, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm now $100 in the whole for a $16 check. If only it would have waited one more day cuz hubby is finally getting paid some money today. Wish it was on Monday like he was promised then none of this would have happened.

I'm going to hop in the shower now and hope that helps a bit.